The Home Stretch

Last Day at Onamia High '09

so this is it. the final two weeks of my college career. where did the time go?? i know everyone says that college will go faster than you can imagine, but i don't think you really understand that until you live it. at the beginning of this year i remember talking to kaitlin about last chances. last opportunities. i get that we are only 21, but there is this finality that comes with graduation that gives me a sinking feeling like the world is coming to an end. this feels eerily familiar to high school graduation where i remember sitting in the hall at OHS, eyes swollen from hours of crying, and reminding each of my friends how much i loved them and couldn't imagine life without them every step of the way. we blared vitamin c's "friends forever" on repeat.. talk about rubbing salt on a wound! graduation was supposed to be a time of celebration, but i remember it better as a time of torture, like someone ripping off a band-aid before i was ready. i remember thinking, and truly believing, that i would never find friends closer than the ones i had at onamia. after all, they knew me day in and day out for 18 years. i couldn't replace them, and i prayed to God that they wouldn't replace me.

This is as Good as it Gets

four years later, i am realizing that at 18, i didn't have a clue. i had no idea what it meant to work hard for good grades. i had no idea what it meant to love a team more than i love the sport. i had no idea what it meant to really look up to someone. i had no idea what it meant to let myself be so vulnerable with someone that i could let them hurt me. i had no idea what it meant to have a best friend. i had no idea what it meant to feel so broken, betrayed, confused, and alone that there was nowhere to turn but to God. i had no idea what it meant to hurt for someone else. i had no idea what it meant to trust.

after four years, i can't say that i know any of these things, but at least i have an idea.

someone has to come knock me to my senses because i have that feeling once again that nothing can top this. like somehow i managed to peak at 21.. oofta.

The Getaway

"There are two reasons you need to know who your home team is. First, you need to know who they are because they need you..These are your people, your middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what people..The second reason you need to know who your home team is, is because then you know who your home team is not. Everyone else is everyone else." - shauna niequist 

this weekend was our first annual 301 reunion to lake pepin! sophomore year was one of the best years ever and it's so cool to see how those friendships have stuck. we ended up in the same room that year mostly by chance, so thank goodness we were able to tolerate eachother. i know i can be a messy/loud/obnoxious roommate so i'm happy britta put up with me. two years later i'm not any more organized or quiet, but these girls who were practically strangers to me are now my closest friends!

we had been scheming this get away for what felt like forever, but in general we tend to be better day dreamers than do-ers. mer (coordinator extraordinaire) found this adorable villa right across from the lake that we were able to rent for a couple of nights so we decided to be spontaneous. it was the perfect way to chill out and recharge as we all head into this next season of changes. Erica is newly engaged and starting her first career at Carlson Wagonlit, Meredith is about to begin her new position at SPS in a marketing role, and Britta and I are charging full force into our very last semester of college. HOLY SMOKES! 

it was the first time in forever that we had a chance to lay around day after day laughing, crying, singing, dancing, cooking, exploring, knitting, and relaxing. britta made the BEST baked french toast with homemade whipped cream (forever fave), erica made yummy spaghetti and she revived her burnt garlic bread, mer brought caramel apples, and i made a new pesto quesadilla recipe. i sometimes feel like we are 35 year old wannabes.. but then a heated, suspenseful game of 'truth or dare' reminds me that we are really 12 year olds at heart :)


it was impossible to try to ignore the fact that there was one person definitely missing the whole weekend. kaitlin was an honorary roommate sophomore year. i swear she was in lissner every single day whether it was crashing a football game in the guys' room or having a frosting fight in ours. even though our beds weren't next to eachother that year, i've still never had better pillow talks. i think some of the most profound words come after 2 a.m. when you're falling asleep mid-text. i miss the good morning texts the most and i still firmly believe that a meow is the most appropriate goodbye.

from the beginning of the year kaitlin and i talked a lot about this idea of the home team. we worked hard to try to define who these people are in our lives and focus on strengthening those relationships. this fall i lost my MVP, but through all of that i'm seeing how important my home team is and how badly i need them. i hate admitting when i'm weak, and i hate feeling like i am being a burden or someone else's responsibility. But my home team reminds me that it's OKAY to be weak sometimes. it's OKAY to admit that you need something whether it's at 4 p.m or 4 a.m., rain or shine. this weekend was the perfect reminder of how thankful i am to have each of them in my life and how happy i am that i get to be a part of their lives.

"And it doesn’t last forever, that team. It shifts sometimes, when you move, or as life changes every few years. That’s not wrong. But at any given season, you’ve got to know, essentially, who you’re responsible for when it all falls apart."

#blessed #blast #yolo #CWFR

The List

Resolutions 2013

1. Learn to say NO

- i absolutely HATE saying 'no' to people. i hate letting people down, but when i overfill my days and overbook and overlap my schedule i end up letting them down anyways, making them feel like i don't value their time. 

2. Set boundaries

- i have a tendency to overshare big time. relationships mean the world to me, and i am open enough that i can spill to practically anyone. the truth is that not everyone needs to know everything. i find that i reveal a lot of myself to others, but they don't necessarily do the same and relationships are supposed to be a two way street! 

3. Read 365 Day Bible faithfully

- there is nothing truer than the Word. devotions are great, but i need some more of the real thing. my parents gave me this for christmas two years ago and i have yet to finish it!

4. Read through Jesus Calling

- this devo was an awesome gift from the beskes. kaitlin's dad had given her a copy when she left for college too, so it is a daily reminder of her. the message for october 21st is incredible.

5. Talk to God every day

- my prayer life has not been awesome lately. instead of turning to God when things got crappy this year, i ignored Him. i hate that feeling and can totally tell when this area of my life is suffering. i complain about feeling like nobody understands and nobody ever will. God will. 

6. Write 1 hand written letter a week

- there is nothing better than opening your mail box and finding a REAL letter or finding a note on your desk when you get done with a long day of class. a few of my most precious things i have from kait are notes she has written to me through the years and i'm so happy i saved them. little things say a lot.

7. Run a half marathon in under 1:45

- my first half marathon attempt was pretty pitiful. this year will be better! likely due to #10.

8. Focus on my home team

- kaitlin and i agreed at the beginning of the year that we had to stop clogging up our schedules with meaningless coffee dates and put our energy into investing in the ones that really matter; our home team, the people that will be there for us at the drop of a hat. we need to know exactly who they are so that we know who they are not. 

9. No drinking for the rest of college

- this is pretty self explanatory. i promised to abstain from drinking ( & smoking, drugs, sex, fun, etc.) for my four years at bethel and have a done a bad job of holding up that agreement. while i do love a good glass of wine, i think i can manage for a few months :) 

10. Lose 10 lbs. by graduation

- no longer in need of these red oak sized thighs. they have got to go. 

Beginnings

i've always been a 'beginnings' kind of girl. middles tend to bore me and endings often either take too long to reach or are disappointing/sad/anti-climactic all together. (this explains why i fall asleep in every movie and die after the first few miles of every run!) beginnings are something special. they represent the start of something new, something different, something BETTER. beginnings are clean slates, fresh starts, and opportunities for improvement. this charged up ambitious mentality usually hits me at the beginning of every year so really this is nothing new. i set lofty goals and expectations usually revolving around weight management, academic achievement, and relationship growth. a little tweaking every year, but predictable theme with predictable results. nothing ever changed, not the way i wanted it to anyway. my resolutions, like most everybody's, have historically been disillusions.


 

2012 was going to be different, though. i bought a journal and a daily planner, which obviously meant i was serious this time. somehow writing things down in pen makes them that much more intentional and permanent. i set aside a section at the back entitled 'mile markers'; a place where i could list the biggest things that happened throughout the year and also tally the number of miles i ran as the year progressed. writing these things down not only served as a visual reminder of my plans, progress, and achievement, but it also helped me to be in control... my favorite thing EVER. i created the mile marker page with the intention of it being a list of 2012's greatest accomplishments. what i found as the year drew to a close though was that the list was more a list of things that happened to me rather than a list of things i had done, crystal clear evidence of how NOT in control i am. 2012 brought me two tattoos, a few new stamps in my passport, and some huge lessons in life, loss, and everything in between. lessons that i hope will stir something in me to really evoke a change for 2013. i think about the cheesy line from semisonic's "closing time" that says "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end".



so 2013 is a new beginning. a new chance to do things different. but how do i curb my tendency to never follow through???? my dear friend meredith mcknight shared this cool idea with me called FinishYear. It's basically a digital way to hold yourself accountable to the commitments you make January 1st. Using the hashtag #FinishYear, you share progress, obstacles, and encouragement on your road to resolutions with your various social media buddies. completed dreams change the world, not half assed fantasies. i don't necessarily plan on changing the world by next year, but i know that 365 days ago i would have never guessed that i would be where i am today (sitting in Cape Coral, FL relaxing after a hard day of tanning and shopping :) ). who knows what will happen in the next 365? i am fully aware that beginnings happen anytime and anywhere, not just January 1st, but this seemed like a fun idea. if nothing else, it will be a funny memory to look back and see how nuts i was at 21 :) so here's cheers to a new year, a new start, and a new sangria recipe.